Borderlinks at Tucson. My bed and the cubicle. For right not, about three people share a cubicle. They are going to change it to two people per cubicle soon.

We had a really hectic schedule but I'm so glad I chose this program. I learned so much already and I'm glad I'm here with YeSul :)

Can't wait till I hit the library and do some private research on immigration law. I'm so proud of my family for getting a green card and am so thankful that God used us at the right time to show His Glory to the world.

As always, around 10:30 pm, I have long debates whether I should grab coffee or not. I'm not sleepy yet, but Trinity Cafe closes at 12:00, the East Campus shop at 11:00, so I have to make a choice. I have to decide whether I'll need coffee later and always I end up buying coffee. Why even debate or hesitate, I don't know.

So I went to East Campus shop and bought Teddy Grahams [Chocolate Chip! mm] and just felt the urge to stop by my mailbox - thanks to a recent mail from Julia, I think I should check up on it more. I like writing letters not because I know getting a letter feels good, which is true, but more because I know opening an empty mailbox feels lonely. It just is. I hate that feeling. I know that getting out the mailbox key, putting it inside the keyhole, turning the key around takes less than a minute but when I stand in front of an empty mailbox, I feel like I've climbed up a thousand steps to find out there's nothing there. Getting a letter is great, not only because I get to hear from people but mainly because it doesn't feel so lonely. And because it means somebody in this world took their time to think of me and write my name on a paper.

When I opened the mailbox - and it's been less than a week since I've done so, last time to get the letter from Julia - I find my Quiet Time booklet, East Campus mailing service letter, TIMES magazine I've subscribed to, and a surprise - letter from myself to God.

Last semester Pastor Susy had all of freshmen to write a letter to God. An honest letter to God of where I am with him right now. I grabbed the letter with other stuff in the mail, thinking back to what I wrote to God last semester.

The letter I really liked. It was truly honest. More honest than what it might have seemed to me at the time. I remember feeling very confused about where I stood with God at the moment. I have always believed in Him, I've always followed his ways, I never had a doubt about anything - yet I felt somehow distant. How do I describe this?.. I remember thinking. Now, from a future perspective of view, my letter from past described my relationship much better than I expected.

"In all honesty God, I see myself weaker and weaker."

First sentence.

"I know that I'm very much loved by You, but I need to constantly remind myself."

Interesting. I don't remember writing this, but when I do look at the sentence I remember myself feeling this way. This feels almost a little sad. I need to be reminded that I'm loved-did I ever feel like I wasn't being loved enough? Why did a person so loved by God need to remind herself when the love, if very much loved, should be spiritually and physically felt all the time? I just think that when you're loved, even from humans, you can feel it. Why couldn't I? Why did I need to remind myself?

"All my life I've trusted You and walked in Your path; I studied and acted in terms of Your will. I want the passion again to live for You and devote my entire life to You Lord. After I came to college, it's been harder for me to think this way--especially when so many students already know what they want to do and their future is stable.

The only problem in our relationship is me, not You...well, as always."

"In all honesty God, I haven't been living according to Your will. I've never had such an experience as to eat with friends and study with friends every day, hanging out with different people at least once a day. I think this got to me Lord. Although I do think it is such a blessing from You, almost a reward--it's taken over me and I don't spend enough effort on papers or tests and I think or forget to read the Bible. This has become a serious issue, since I am here to learn as my first priority. I ask that my daily lifestyle would change Lord--help me to think about living in Your way instead of staying up late at night even if I was studying. Help me to become more like a God-centered person."

This was so truthful. But thank God I did change. I am now more dedicated to school work, more than ever before. I'm studying hard like never before. Yet with passion. Yes I feel tired many times but in process of reading, preparing for the tests, going over quality lectures- I feel like I'm learning, storing massive amounts of knowledge in my brain, that will become the basis for future reference and creativity. Many stories I can tell my sons and daughters in the future. I know I've spent less time in church and a bit less on the friends part...especially with WooYoung and some others than I've spent in first semester, but nonetheless I am thankful of this change. And thank God that He gave me the heart to devote year 2010 solely up to Him in January 1st. This letter is a great check-up.

"In all honesty God, I'm still not exactly sure about your vision for me. I'm hoping things are going to clear up for me. I'm taking some educational courses and I know I've taught well. If I am really to build schools in developing countries Lord--please help me to do so. Lead me that way. I am also planning to go on mission trips this srping and also summer... so please help me to see Your vision in those places as well.

I still need to talk to You more Lord.

I'm asking for Your help and guidance in all areas of my life Lord. Just lead me, just have Your power in all my ways Lord.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Love, Ann"

So many changed. I've found that education is not in my focus anymore, though I'm still really passionate. I still believe everyone has the right to education, no matter where they are. They should be given the right to learn how to read and write - basically communicate to innerself and others. They should be given the right to learn math, science, the laws of universe - the laws of You. And witht he circumstances of our church, mission trips now seem unavailable - but again, my DukeEngage project is almost just like a mission trip. Life is a mission anyways, but really, going to the border and helping out immigrants - and one of the facilities we'll be working at is a local church that immigrants come often, even non-believers- is just like a mission. God fulfills His Will in remarkable ways, and certainly this is of one.

This letter, a pleasant surprise, helped me to relieve in the fact that in His arms I've grown.

I feel loved everyday now- I think about a week or two earlier I came across the passage that God loves me as His bride. I've heard that "you are His bride" or "church is His bride" so many times before, but this time it became personal. He really loves me. He wants to protect me, the way a husband wants to protect his bride, and he adores me. The angry God, the wrathful One, when His bride is unfaithful, almost seems romantic now. He is possessive because He loves me. And I shall be His faithful wife too. Obedient, wise, helpful, pure, faithful, and of love always. I feel this is the biggest change. Thank God, surely. Still there is so much more room to grow, but I believe He will lead me carefully one step at a time. He will watch my steps, hold me when I stumble, and catch me when I'm broken. I'm still such a young bride ambitious to become a beautiful bride worthy of Him, but still clumsy of what is required, and overwhelmed every day by His grace. It is too much always to acknowledge that He loves me as His bride - that I am lovable in His eyes.

I can ask for none more.